Birthday dread and the 2024 Election

A few days ago, I celebrated my birthday, but it was tough. I often experience seasonal depression that sets in shortly before my birthday, and this year, two additional factors weighed heavily on me: coming to terms with being middle-aged and the re-election of Trump as President.

When I looked up the definition of "middle-aged," I found the age range to be quite broad—45 to 65. While I wouldn't necessarily consider 65 old, to me, it's definitely retirement age and not middle-aged. Nonetheless, I've just turned 47, and by most standards, I am middle-aged, which has been bothering me a lot.

I can't even fully articulate why it troubles me. At 47, I've achieved many accomplishments. I have a great career, a nice home, and a strong support network. I don't have many regrets and still have time to pursue other life goals I've set for myself. However, the idea that the second half of my life is about eventual decline and death is something I can't accept. It fills me with anxiety and, in my worst moments, deep dread about the future.

Then, Trump's re-election brought an entirely different type of dread concerning the future. The economy, global conflicts, and my rights as a gay Black man in America all feel jeopardized. No one can offer any insight into what will happen in the next four years because everyone seems to be preparing for chaos. The election results weren't surprising but were still deeply disappointing. It was disheartening to see clear racial divides in the outcome. Looking at sexual orientation, those who felt their rights were at risk voted for Harris, while the majority voted for Trump. The most surprising aspect was the overwhelming majority of Latino men who voted for Trump. The betrayal I feel as a Black man is indescribable.

Despite everything, I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly feel blessed. I've been trying to hold onto those feelings, reminding myself not to waste time worrying until I have concrete issues to deal with. I need to enjoy my life as it is now and face the future when it arrives.